Over a month ago – I wrote a blog post of vagueness full well knowing exactly what was going on.
I was entering a new season. Things have changed a lot in the last 6 months and I know they won’t ever be exactly what they were.
I think I was still trying to figure out how to address it all, put it into words and get used to it.
Everything felt foreign to me – editing photos, my website that I poured my soul into and online groups that I was a member of. Picking up my camera didn’t bring me the same joy as it once did. I felt like a beginner again. I was in a rut and had to get used to the idea that creative highs and lows happen.
Slowly new hobbies, loves, passions, friends, connections and interests slowly filled the gaps and holes that had formed.
I would be lying if I told you I didn’t feel like a total and complete failure in terms of my photography.
My business is closed and done.
I am unsure where I stand when it comes to my artwork.
The photos that I am trying to take – just aren’t there.
I am uninspired when it comes to my creative outlet.
Yikes. It sounds so dismal, right? But it all felt that way. All of it.
Yesterday I woke up feeling tired, sad and those feelings of failure were starting to loom around again. I mean — I honestly have thought to myself over a dozen times — Just open your business back up. Book some mini sessions. Call your clients. This was just a break. That is all you needed, Allison… was a break.
But deep down. I know. This has been the right decision and all of the feelings associated with it have to be more than normal.
In those feelings of “blah” I took a step back and decided to look at the bigger picture.
Just because there are some changes happening – big ones – I am still ME. I am still Allison.
None of this means I have to sell all of my gear, close down my website, and never talk photography again. I never wanted that in the first place. Over the years – in the hustle, the grind, the countless hours of work to create something that I wanted so bad – I honestly feel like I lost a little bit of my true self.
SO – this change really isn’t a change at all. It is getting back to my roots, my self and things that I love and bring me joy.
Writing more. Ahem – journalist and writer at heart. I am now dedicating more time to do just that.
Working out and my health. I wasn’t taking care of myself at all. AT ALL. (More on this to follow in another post, but in my pursuit of building a business, my health was failing and something had to give.)
More time with my family, more time in my home, more time doing being a mom and wife and friend.
There will always be room for photography. It will always be there. I will always be a photographer. I know that. But it is just redefining how it fits in now.
I know I have put it into words before – but it is time to make my website feel less foreign to me – and more of where I am at in this current season. Change is so many things – scary, unknown, thrilling, risky – but also so very, very good.
I haven’t been sharing much from my project 365 – but it is still going. I am happy it still is – because I know I can look back on this year and remember the ups and downs and the definite changes that have occurred.